Woodland Hills is for Creeps

It’s raining again! Did I mention that it’s raining? The Emergency Flash Flood warning just went off on my phone. I think it’s time to start building the ark. Just stop with this mess.

I live in a subdivision called Woodland Hills. That means that there are hills…and woods. When it rains everything becomes so lush. It’s like Day of the Triffids (If you haven’t seen that movie you’re not really missing anything). Major vegetation. Trees everywhere. It totally reminds me of the Glades level of Donkey Kong Country. It’s like living in the middle of a rain forest. I know. It sounds exotic and dreamy. Guess what. It’s not.

Down the street is a place called Rock Creek. There’s a creek and a shopping area and everything. That’s where the Hobby Lobby is. Sometimes, like today, it looks more like a river. Rushing rapids. In one part there is a land mass that looks just like Australia. Every time I pass it I say, “Hey, that looks like Australia.”

Woodland Hills and Rock Creek are in an area called Douglas Corner. At least that’s the location given whenever I check into one of my music apps. It says, “You’re location is Douglas Corner.”  Last year when there was a tornado, the news guy said that it was heading towards Douglas Corner. I was like, “OMG, it’s coming this way”. My sister looked at me like I was an idiot.
“We don’t live in Douglas Corner”, she said.
“This one music app I have says WE DO. I’m getting in the bathtub.”
The tornado hit two miles away. It took the roof right off a house across the street from Marshalls.
Told you.

When you turn onto our street, we live in the third house on the left. I guess that’s better than the Last House on the Left. We have so many trees in the front yard. I named them all after characters from The Brady Bunch. The Brady’s live in Woodland Hills, too. Only they live in the one in California. There are more trees than Bradys, so I had to name some of them after Marcia’s boyfriends and other minor characters. Like Mr. Driscoll, the guy who owns the toy store. There is one tree that leans about 45 degrees. I call that one Jan, because she’s kind of screwy too. It leans more towards the neighbors house, so I’m not too concerned about it falling. I’m like, “Well, at least if Jan Brady falls, she’ll fall on Judy’s house.

Judy is the lady next door. She’s very worldly. She speaks French and has been to Dakar. She collects art from all over the world. She’s from Boston. She moved here to be closer to her daughter who works in the medical field. Some kind of administrator or something. I got the lowdown at a get-together that she had for the neighbors one time, but I wasn’t really listening.

watchAt the beginning of the street – the first house on the left – is the self-designated neighborhood watch guy. Or as I like to call him, Gladys Kravitz. He’s like the Casanova of the neighborhood. Hits on all the ladies. When he’s not busy being Mr. Nosybody, he builds stuff in his garage. If you hear a power-saw, it’s him. I have no clue what he builds. More than likely it’s just an excuse to keep his garage door open so that he can spy on everybody.

nancyIn the house behind is ANOTHER Judy. She lost her live-in boyfriend 2 years ago. She’s probably close to 70. Blonde. Quite heavy on the make-up. I’d almost bet my bottom dollar that, in the sixties, she dressed like Nancy Sinatra. Boots and all. She gives off that kind of vibe. I’ve never been in her house, but judging from the outside, I’d bet there is some Danish Modern/Teak in there somewhere.

The 2nd house on the left? What a zoo! To tell you the truth, I don’t even know how many people live there. There’s the main lady. I hear her all the time. She’s always going somewhere. Her driveway is right outside my bedroom window, so I’m always hearing that beep whenever she locks and unlocks the car door. *Beep* Plus, she’s always out in the driveway, talking on her phone.
There’s some guy that’s there occasionally. I don’t know who he is. Boyfriend? IDK. Sometimes he has friends over. Usually during major sporting events. The tv is full blast and there is whooping and hollering. I haven’t seen or heard from him in a while.
Then, there is the main lady’s daughter and her 2 kids. They don’t live there, but they are there quite a bit. The boy is about 10 and dribbles that damn basketball outside my window. When he’s not doing that he is playing Rock Band. The drums. I can appreciate that because I am a drummer too; but he’s 10. Get on the beat kid. You’re driving me crazy with your crappy rhythm.
The little girl has cerebral palsy. She cries all the time. I feel so bad for her.
There are a few other people who come and go, but I have no idea who they are. I bet Mr. Nosybody would know.

So anyway, it’s raining and flooding and ever so wet. I have to work later in the day. According to Todd, the weather guy, it’s supposed to have stopped raining.We’ll see. Hopefully when I cross Rock Creek, Australia will still be there.


Categories: The Bob Files

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