Two Lois’s and the Sun

So, I wore the wrong shoes to work and nobody even noticed. And they’re all so much lower to the ground than I am, too.

Anyway, I had to stay after school, I mean work, and do extra stuff. Outside stuff. It was hot. Right when the sun was going down and hitting me right in the eyes. I almost didn’t make it home in time to see my shows. How superficially tragic is that!

On my way home I stopped at Walgreens and got ice cream. Even though I’m on a diet. My pants seemed to be a little saggy after my day at work, so I figured I deserved it. Did I mention it was hot? I harp on that a lot. It’s because I’m a cold weather person. I hate when people talk about how hot it is and say stuff like, “Hot enough for ya?” Please don’t let me turn into that person. It’s bad enough that I’m already starting to turn into Lois, my grandmother. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Well, the loony, crazy part is. Anyway, she died in 2007. She died on the exact same day as Anna Nicole Smith. If I ever want to remember when my grandmother died, I just have to look up Anna Nicole’s wikipedia page. You sure can’t get the information from her headstone, because the date of death is still not there. I don’t know who was in charge of that, but they really dropped the ball. It just says

Lois (last name)
1917-

There’s no year of death. Like she’s a zombie or something. I won’t go to that cemetery at night because, well, she might be lurking around looking to eat people or something. I know that’s creepy. People in my family kinda get pissed when I make that joke. I’m like, “Hey, put a date of death on that headstone of hers and I’ll shut my big, fat mouth about it. Following Noel around all those years and being a dutiful wife and this is the thanks she gets. No date of death, no RIP, no nothing. But, she was a good Christian woman and I loved her. A little of her rocker at times, but WHO THE HELL ISN’T?

nettleton 1It feels nice and cool in here. With the air conditioning and the ceiling fan. It should always be like this. Sometimes, it’s like that one Twilight Zone episode for me. The Midnight Sun. The one with Lois Nettleton. I love Lois Nettleton. Poor homegirl died not to many years ago. Anyway, in the episode the sun was getting closer and closer to the earth, and it was getting hotter every day. At the end of the episode she died. But guess what? She didn’t really die. She just had a bad fever and it was all a dream. Actually the sun was moving away from the earth and it was getting colder. She made reference about how wonderful it was to feel cool. I hear ya, honey. It IS wonderful to be cool.

This is me when it's 80 outside.

This is me when it’s 80 outside.

Well, we’re getting a really big truck order tomorrow. At noon. And I’m going to be out in the hot sun all day processing it. Maybe I can pull a Lois Nettleton, pass out, and then wake up in a bunch of show. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be cool?

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Categories: The Bob Files

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